Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for your family is also the most difficult. That’s especially true when it comes to talking with your parents about aging.
It’s easy to understand why, too. Conversations about aging flip the parent-child dynamic around, as parents become less able to take care of themselves and more reliant on others, which can have significant financial implications.
Historically, older generations avoided casually discussing important topics like money with their children. A study from Fidelity Investments found that 56% of respondents said their parents never discussed money with them.
Yet, much like going to the dentist, conversations about aging and financial planning are crucial for your parents’ long-term well-being. It can be tough to know where to start, though. Let’s begin with the basics.
What topics do you need to discuss with your parents?
Aging is a complicated process. Just like moving from childhood through adolescence and into adulthood, each phase of life is accompanied by unique challenges. But as your parents age, there are special considerations that need to be addressed, including the following:
Finances
Do your parents have sufficient savings and income to meet their needs? Are they working with a financial planner? Are they using any tools like reverse mortgages? Although older folk’s expenditures are, on average, lower than other age cohorts, increased costs for things like medical expenses can unduly stress older Americans’ budgets.
Estate planning
Are your parents working with an estate planning expert? Do they have things like advanced directives, wills, living wills and powers of attorney in place? At the very least, the National Institute of Again recommends a living will, which can help ensure your parents get the care they want if they fall seriously ill and cannot communicate.
Changing health
Are your parents dealing with any medical conditions? How are they adapting to changing healthcare needs? Are they showing signs of cognitive decline? According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 7 in 10 older adults will require some level of help during their lifetimes. Long-term care insurance is a relevant consideration that should also be included in these discussions.
Day-to-day living:
Is it safe for your parents to drive? Can they take care of themselves, their pets and their home? Do they know how to avoid scams? Millions of elderly Americans are the victims of some type of scam — be it financial fraud or any number of confidence schemes — every year. The FBI categorizes these as elder fraud, including government impersonation scams, home repair scams and tech support scams.
Living arrangements
Do your parents want to downsize to a smaller home? Do they need to renovate their current home for safety if they plan on aging in place? How do they feel about assisted living facilities? Home modifications — such as handrails, stairlifes and non-slip flooring — can make their dwellings safer.
End-of-life considerations
What do your parents want done with their remains? Do they have any funeral preferences? Are there financial arrangements in place? The national median cost of a funeral with a viewing and burial is $8,300, according to the National Funeral Directors Association.
If that sounds like a lot, it is. So let’s cover some tips on how you can have these kinds of conversations with your parents.
Tips for talking to your parents about aging
There is no blueprint for how conversations about aging should go with your parents. And that’s perfectly fine — we are all unique, with our own wants and needs, after all. That said, there are some general tips that experts recommend when talking about highly-fraught subjects like this. Keep these in mind as you broach these topics with your parents.
Have empathy and ask questions
Put yourself in their shoes. Talking about your eventual disability and demise isn’t something anyone likes to think about, especially coming from the very person who you used to put diapers on. That, coupled with generational differences and the miasma of financial struggles and shame, and it’s sometimes a wonder that our parents are willing to talk about it at all.
A good place to start is by asking questions. You can start by talking about things you’ve noticed yourself or that’ve been in the news. For example, you might mention that a friend is helping their parents move into an assisted living facility. Ask your parents if they’ve ever thought about where they’d like to live when they need more help.
This puts them in the driver’s seat by letting them lead the conversation, rather than dominating it with your own thoughts and ideas. There’s a time and place for you to talk from your perspective, but first, you need to establish a baseline for your parent’s feelings. You won’t always understand their logic (and vice versa, by the way), but you can respect their wishes within their means and your boundaries.
Start early, small and often
Talking about aging should never be just “The Talk.” It’s an ongoing conversation, and the earlier you start, the better. Aging isn’t a static point in time, after all; things change, and new conversations will always need to be had. Going over everything all at once in checklist fashion is also overwhelming, especially if you’re trying to take an empathetic approach.
Instead, you can incorporate little bits of the broader discussion into your regular conversations. Bring up how you see things changing in their everyday lives, and hash out ideas for things they discuss. This also helps normalize speaking about sensitive matters so there’s not just a big black box around part of their lives that you never discuss with them. It opens the door to easier, more natural conversations for all other aspects of aging, too.
When possible, it’s good to include other family members, within reason and in a manner that doesn’t make it seem like you’re all piling up on your parents at once. Taking care of your parents is a family affair, and getting everyone on board with ways to support your parents takes the burden off of you, shows your parents how people care for them and ultimately creates a stronger network.
Set yourself up for success
It’s best to chat about these topics when your parents are in a receptive mood and in person if you can. Don’t wait to talk about it until they’re in a crisis. At that point, they — like you — are less able to process thoughts rationally, and it could appear as if you’re chiding your parents about their failures.
Try to focus on the benefits and upsides more than doom-and-gloom scenarios when discussing these topics with your parents, too. For example, rather than harping on how dangerous it is to live alone in a home full of potential hazards, you could describe the sense of relief the rest of the family will feel if they don’t have to worry about your parents hurting themselves. Consider stressing the positives, like the sense of community and social activities available in independent living facilities.
Take care of yourself, too
Your parents are not going to accept all of your preferences when it comes to making decisions. (You didn’t either when you were a teenager, did you?) They may not even be willing to talk about certain things at all, or they may become defensive if they do.
Before talking to your parents about aging, you need to be OK with that and have a plan for how you’ll cope. Having parents who won’t listen to you — no matter how well-meaning you are — can be a huge source of anger, resentment and anxiety for many adult children. But you can’t control other people; you can only control your own response to the situation.
For some people, dealing with these challenges means working more on mindfulness. (It’s a skill we could use in all areas of life, after all.) Don’t be afraid to seek out support groups, counseling or therapy if you need it. Take breaks if you need to, and — carefully — if you’re persistent, you can help your parents live their best lives in their golden years.
More from Money:
How a ‘Blended Income’ Strategy Can Boost Your Retirement Cash Flow
Will You Need Long-Term Care? Here’s What the Statistics Say
Should You Use a Reverse Mortgage to Fund Your Retirement? Here’s When It Makes Sense
